Invisible Mothers, Please Weigh In!
March 25, 2008 By: almostgotit Category: Uncategorized, reviews, humor, feminism, parenting, encouragement, writers, plagiarism, affirmations, balanceYou may already have read “Invisible Mother,” (text below). As best as I can tell it’s been circulating online since at least 2005, via email, message boards, and dozens and dozens of blogs — but it is always credited to a nameless author.
Because she’s invisible. Get it?
I do not like to post things without an artist’s permission, much less without attribution. That’s called “plagiarism,” and is a form of theft.
Nevertheless, the hundreds of postings by hundreds of women all happily conspiring with the invisible author to keep her that way is wonderfully ironic, quite aside from the funny loveliness of the piece itself.
“Invisible Mother” definitely resonates, and I love — and agree with — the idea that mothers, parents, and TEACHERS are building “cathedrals!”
I’m less convinced, however, that God’s loving plan involves making anyone invisible (to “cure” us of our pride?), or indeed that there is a particularly sinful sort of pride we need curing of, that is particularly unique to mothers — or authors, for that matter.
What do you think?
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’ Obviously not; no one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I’m invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this ? Can you tie this? Can you open this??
Some days I’m not a pair of hands ; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer, ‘What number is the Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30, please.’
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s going, she’s going, she’s gone!?
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, ‘I brought you this.’ It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn’t exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription: ‘To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.’
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave
their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, ‘Because God sees.’
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, nocupcake you’ve baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become.
At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean I’d built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, ‘You’re gonna love it there.’
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
Great Job, MOM!
(note 3/27): By Nicole Johnson (authorship confirmed by Nicole’s publicist!)
March 25th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Turns out? This piece may have an author after all.
It took some work, but I finally found out that “Invisible woman” may be an exerpt from a book that may have been written by Nicole Johnson
So I have written to her to ask if she did, indeed, write this piece, and what she may be thinking about the kind of invisibility that makes all of us well-meaning moms use her writing without permission and without even feeling compelled to find out who wrote it?
And, moreover, why she thinks we women, and especially we CHRISTIAN women, might have any particular and extra need to be invisible?
I hope she writes back.
March 25th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Hello Almostgotit,
I’m not sure I share all of your interpretations of her piece. You asked for my opinion, so here you go.
“Being invisible” concept:
I was actually inspired by the realization that mothers are not, in fact, invisible. (Her friend “saw” her enough to inscribe the book as she did.) Our life’s work IS noticed, but perhaps not overtly or on a daily basis or in ways we’d expect as praise. And when credit is given, it’s not all ours to own. It’s a collaborative effort… much like the process of passing the author’s message on and on and on… for the sake of spreading the hope that our work is not in vein. Most of the author’s perspective is that her children don’t notice her or anything she does. And when your world is your children, it’s difficult to reach beyond that. Each generation of mothers must inspire and encourage each other. Often, it’s the eyes of our peers or those of our own maternal relatives that make the most powerful and meaningful observations. “I know how hard motherhood is and you’re doing a marvelous job with your kids.” Those words have brought me to my knees.
Plagiarism:
Be careful, Almostgotit. You make a strong accusation. I forward inspirational works all the time. Some have been signed, some have not. I certainly do not pass them off as my own. Am I plagiarizing? No. I’m not claiming to have written it, nor am I selling her work as my own. I passed it along just as I received it, laying no claim to it. I cited her “forward” on my website as the muse for a telecourse series I’ve written.
Where I took my inspiration:
We as mothers can do all that needs to be done without drudgery and without being walked on either. There are ways to teach gratitude and acknowledgement to our children that doesn’t resemble the forced, sing-song, “thank you, Mother…” There are just as many ways for us to tune into noticing and receiving the gratitude and acknowledgements that come from those around us in forms other than words. I’m sure that the cathedral builders stood back every once in a while, smiled and thought, “Damn, that’s GOOD!” Then they realized that their work would be their legend.” To teach that practice to mothers… to have them do that each day… that’s my goal.
God:
I don’t think that God means for us to be invisible. At the same time, there isn’t room on the marquee for all of us. We all play a very large part in raising what He’s created. Children are a gift, but they don’t come without a price. We temporarily lose part of ourselves, but it’s an incredible, wonderful investment on which we receive back infinite dividends.
My hat is off to you for doing the due diligence of tracking her down to ease your own mind. I’d love to know if you hear back from her. Obviously, her thoughts have struck chords in many hearts.
Julie
julzoflife.com
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Thank you so very much for your long and thoughtful response, and even for bringing up some new food for thought, including your interpretation of “plagiarism.”
Plagiarism *is* stealing, and that’s a legal definition, not mine. However, the internet definitely muddies the waters as things are infinitely recycled, and original attributions lost. For instance: if one does not acquire the rights or give any attribution for a long excerpt from a copyrighted book — as “Invisible Mother” seems to be — and then incorporates (resyndicates) that material in one’s own for-profit telecourse, does that still constitute legal “fair use?”
I think it’s at least fair to debate the point. And, for the record, I’ve taken heat myself over using copyrighted material, so I really am doing more “ruminating” than “accusing,” here.
Very juicy ruminations about the invisibility/great significance of mothers, God’s opinion on the matter, and how important it is to be part of an extended community of supportive mothers who can reflect back to us the importance of what we’re doing.
Anyone else want to chime in?
March 25th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Fathers can be invisible too, but we like it that way - for the most part. When no one asks us to fix things or lift things or open stuck jars, we feel sort of left out.
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LOL, thanks for another POV!
March 26th, 2008 at 2:14 am
Plagiarism makes people invisible, too, by taking their names and rights away and sometimes the money they could make too. It doesn’t just mean pretending you wrote something or not, you have to read the whole definition.
March 26th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
I love this passage that is for kid-raisers. She captures the conflicting feelings of being a full-time kid-raiser quite well. When told by people that I must “LOVE” staying home…I have a hard time agreeing totally with them as there is definitely a loss of self that comes with this choice. This is my choice, however, and I would choose it again and again. I think God is doing a BIG WORK in me through all this time at home as well.
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Thanks so much for commenting, Moo! I agree: raising children is a big and wonderful work, and I too spent many years doing it, full-time. But I also think YOU are a big work, and that God doesn’t mean to be punishing you or curing you of some sin by allowing you to be (or even feel) “invisible.” It was that smallest little subtext in this otherwise wonderful essay that I objected to, that smallest suggestion that somehow there is something uniquely sinful in mothers, some personal pride or selfishness that is not in other people (who are, after all, NOT required to experience invisibility) and therefore needs to be squashed.
How can we believe children are important without believing their mothers are, too? Or are people only important unless/until they become mothers?
It is thankless work enough to raise our children, I think, without also believing that we DESERVE to be rendered invisible (to have our pride squashed out of us). And worse to tell other mothers that this is so, about ourselves and by extension also about them. This is just plain bad theology. No, no, and no! How much better to be pleased and excited by the BIGNESS and IMPORTANCE of shepherding a nascent human being from womb to adult world!? And for mothers to cheer each other on, and to speak to each other of the big, beautiful Cathedrals we are building, and leave the female-abuse out altogether!
March 27th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
[…] The “Invisible Woman* essay was, indeed, written by Nicole Johnson, is fully subject to copyright, and her publicist tells me […]
March 29th, 2008 at 10:04 am
We Moms really are invisible much of the time. That’s because our kids take us for granted - we have always been there, have always done what we do. It’s as sure as the sun rising. It doesn’t occur to the little varmints that anything is different! And this is the way it should be!! This is how they develop a sense of security. They won’t realize how much we did for them until they are adults - maybe until they are grandparents! But that’s ok. We aren’t supposed to be doing this for their gratitude. We are supposed to be doing it out of our unconditional love for our children! They will pass it on to their children.
My advice is - BE INVISIBLE!
Cheerio!
Turtlemom3
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Thanks for your comment, Turtlemom! The sense of peace you have is palpable, and I admire it greatly. I suspect you are a wonderful mother and grandmother, and what a gift to everyone in relationship to you! I also agree with you about the need to love our children unconditionally, about how important it is to help them feel secure in the world, and that we can’t (and shouldn’t) expect their fully-comprehending gratitude.
However, I don’t think it is okay for our fellow adults to ask mothers (or anyone else, either) to be invisible, and I’m afraid that society will continue to give parents pretty much exactly the treatment we expect (and ask) of it — after all, every one of us was once an uncomprehending child, too. But now we are adults and should know better. And how else will our fellow folk, including our fellow mothers, know how important and beautiful mothers are, and how worthy the work of mothering is, unless we help them learn?