On remaining relevant, solvent, and maternal
August 11, 2008 By: almostgotit Category: Facebook, Uncategorized, finances, humor, jobless, kids and technology, parenting, parenting teens, recession, teens, unemployed |
Hallelujah and pass the pillow, it’s true. We have a spanking new queen-sized mattress (with a new foundation to boot.)
Our cancelled Tunisia plane ticket money has come through (mostly. I am not, currently, a fan of Air France) which paid for the mattress. And a new computer for our college-bound son.
Who is moving into his dorm *early* as it turns out. So I won’t have time to make him a giant flannel board, after all.
My daughter started back to school today, leaving Almostgotit with an empty house all day again, and what to do next, she wonders? (the local porn shop adult book store has a “help wanted” sign out front. How much do you dare me?)
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And here’s a little ethical dilemma. My son has honored me by “friending” me on his Facebook profile, which means I can also read what he and all his other friends are saying to each other. My policy is to be (almost) invisible, because I get much more information that way, of course!! However, one of my son’s very active Facebook friends is the daughter of a friend of mine who has forbidden her daughter to use Facebook. I’m not inclined to play the informer here, both because it would violate my son’s trust and because I think this girl’s parents need to make it their own responsibility to better engage, support, and monitor their daughter. Besides, it’s only Facebook: I mean, I would tell them if she were smoking pot. What do you think, readers?
August 11th, 2008 at 11:57 am
I Double Dare you–but you MUST wear your church lady cardigan!!!
(And no, I would not want to “play the informer,” either, but admit I would be tempted to spy….)
Sending Stiff Upper Lip karma your way.
August 11th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
I like your new tattoo!
August 11th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
My grandmother always told me to keep my ears open and my mouth shut (she would add knees crossed for my promiscuous friends in college). Excellent advice and I think that you’re current policy is right on. By the way, I like your tattoo as well. By the way, this sweet, funny lady passed away about 6 weeks ago and I am grateful to have the moment to remember her with a chuckle.
Deanna
August 11th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
Sorry about the two “by the ways…” You see why you’re the writer instead of me!
August 11th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother, Deanna. She sounds like a smart (and funny!) lady.
ALTOS: I think my Church Lady Cardigan may be at the cleaners…
Anyone else? Should I be a rat, or not?
August 11th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
I say nay. Is this girl in college? And her parents forbid her to use Facebook? I can understand forbidding a 12 year old on MySpace, but college? I think Facebook is less harmful than MySpace anyway.
August 11th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
The girl is about 16 and still in highschool. Tricksier, eh?
But her Facebook profile is NOT searchable, I’ve noticed, even under her pseudonym. She’s a smart girl, and understands how to use Facebook very well. While hiding her online personna so thoroughly from her own folks, she’s also made herself very safe from other online low-lifes.
August 11th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
I say no ratting! Plato says–more or less–that justice is doing your own job fully and letting others do theirs. Of course Plato didn’t know a thing about Facebook and couldn’t have even imagined wikis . . .
August 11th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
imho, I’d ‘leave it alone’ on the ratting her out front, as it will create a wedge btwn. your own trust w/your son, which seems quite healthy and secure; esp. since the girl is obviously media savvy/media literate on the privacy protection front. As a parent, these are always tough calls…
I run into ‘fear factor/moral panic’ a lot when I do parent ed on these issues for our nonprofit, Shaping Youth, and I keep trying to get it through to folks that if you ‘clamp down too hard’ it’ll ’squish out sideways’ in ‘forbidden fruit’ mode…better to let them use the ‘filters between their ears’ to instill ‘how tos’ and brainpower in using social media from the get go; it’s NOT going away.
p.s. Great site is ConnectSafely.org…pragmatic, rational and insightful…w/users of all ages landing their pros/cons and ‘what do I dos?’ on multiple MS, FB, bebo, hi5 and beyond…sounds like that parent could use some ‘calm down 101′ interfacing…???
my two cents, anyway…Best, Amy
August 12th, 2008 at 12:13 am
I don’t think I would tell the other mom either, but then again, I don’t think I would ever get a facebook account in the hopes that I could be added to my daughter’s friends list….I just don’t think I could subtract my actual 5 years of real adulthood and go down there with those kiddos….not knocking you, that’s just me. So, basically, what I am trying to say, is you don’t really need to care about what I have to say…I don’t know what I am talking about. My oldest is only 9.
August 12th, 2008 at 1:31 am
What sort of friend would keep a secret like that? I’m gonna sound a bit harsh on this one, but this is about full disclosure involving the safety of a child. Yep, I said “child” because she hasn’t hit that 18 mark. And, without her parents involved with her potentially dangerous interaction with the entire world, she’s alone to make important decisions by herself. We may think her parents are unfair and naive, but they are still her parents and may need prodding to be involved with her life.
(With my daughter, she’ll technically be a child until she’s 30. I’m making sure the laws are changed by the time we get there…)
August 12th, 2008 at 8:32 am
Shaping Youth is a very good website, and I so appreciate Amy’s taking the time to share it with us, along with her own POV here.
Alice & Yep – I’m always grateful for your comments, as well. Much good food for thought, indeed! Man, it is hard to be a good parent, and one that is appropriately involved in his/her child’s life. The longer I do it, the less I know…
August 12th, 2008 at 8:34 am
No, I don’t think you should tell. You already said she isn’t engaged in bad behavior, but I do think you may want to mention it to the daughter herself. Urge her to come clean with her parents.
I’ve been a teen, and I think a lot of parents of teens forget what it was like to be a teen. If you forbid your child to do something, it doesn’t mean they aren’t going to do it; it just means they will try real hard to hide it from you.
To be a good friend to your friend, I recommend you talk to her about how she can better monitor her teen online. Personally, I use NetNanny for my kids’ computers. It gives me control over the time they spend as well as where they go online. If I become concerned, I can even review IM conversations.
My children are on Facebook, MySpace, Bebo and even MyYearbook, and you’ll find a profile for me there too. I always check to make sure my kids’ profiles are set to private, and I rarely participate, but I also have some of my kids’ friends “friend” me too. But my kids grew up with me working online, so they have a different perspective than most kids.
August 12th, 2008 at 10:09 am
Hmm, I would think if her parents are savvy enough to ban her from Facebook (which is relatively harmless compared to some of the other sites she could be on) then they should also be savvy enough to check up on her themselves, if they want to.
If you notice her doing something dangerous then by all means tell. Otherwise I would just observe. But what do I know, I just have dogs and a megalomaniacal cat …
August 12th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
It sounds like your friend may have overcommitted herself when she forbid her child from using facebook. (Kind of like when parents ground their children for a month in the heat of the moment and then realize what they just commited themselves to.) If she really wants to follow through on her rules, she would be more vigilant with her child’s use of the computer. My hunch is that she is quietly letting that rule go un-supervised.
HOWEVER, you can be tricksy too. Next time you are visiting with your friend, just let it drop that you have a facebook account and it has been kind of amusing to be a “friend” of your son’s. She can choose to ask you more questions at that point….as a adults, we can still out-tricksy those teens!
August 22nd, 2008 at 9:14 am
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