De-Nesting
August 12, 2008 By: almostgotit Category: Chapter 2, Empty nest, Uncategorized, college, humor, kids and college, parenting, transitions
Please don’t laugh. I’m sure it’s just another human developmental stage that got lost somewhere between Benjamin Spock and Gail Sheehy.
“De-Nesting” manifests as a strange sort of ache that only feels better if the afflicted parent performs certain ritualistic behaviors.
It started with the chemistry text books, which I needed to take back to the old high school. Identical twins, the second one acquired after the first disappeared in the bedroom rubble, both of them now freshly-escavated as we sort our way through the 18 year history of This Boy Now Leaving Home.
I went on to the department store: a zippered mattress cover, of course… who knows where that college mattress has been? A nice soft mattress cover to go on top of that, so he’ll be nice and cozy. And since there was a sale, a bunch of towels too, all matching so he’ll know which are his. Not DARK blue, because maybe the roommate’s mother already chose dark blue. A sort of masculine teal, then. And a shower caddy too, of course, also in blue. No, too matchy — better to pick white. No, black - definitely black. Also another pair of cargo shorts, because even though he said he doesn’t need any more, he probably isn’t thinking about the laundry issue. A pillow cover. A cute lamp.
I had to stop by the grocery store on my way home, so thought I may as well pick up a couple of things for him there, too. Just two or three things to get him started, because he will have to learn how to do his own shopping very soon, and spend his own money too. So I just grabbed the basics: shampoo, soap, toothpaste. Then decided to double all of those. Deodorant too. Well, and vitamins and chapstick and a new toothbrush, and disposable flossers… I decided he’ll floss more, if I got him flossers. Laundry detergent, and dish soap while I was at it. Some chlorine bathroom cleaner, because four boys (sorry!) men can get pretty grotty. I wondered if I should get them a toilet brush, too?
Sunscreen. Oh, and bug spray, in case they want to go hiking on the spur of the moment. Envelopes, so he’ll write to his grandparents. And since I was already in the aisle: push pins, gluestick, ink pens, pencils, a pencil sharpener to go with the pencils. Notebook paper, though maybe that’s too juvenile? Made sure it was college-ruled. Scotch tape, and a stapler for good measure. Kleenex.
I got home in time to take my daughter to a promised trip to Goodwill, where I continued to add to my supply of de-nesting materials. Four microwave-safe plates — four, because I may as well him get the whole set, and he can use it when friends come over. Or even take them to his first apartment — which thought made my stomach hurt. A matching mug. A wonderfully huge stoneware bowl that would survive a nuclear blast. If they ever have those at college, I mean. ANOTHER very cute lamp, which his sister will happily take if he doesn’t want it.
Did I tell you already that he’s moving in early? Only two days away. I’m not ready, I’m not READY. I mean, he’s not ready. I think we need to sit down together and make a really long list, and then I need to bake him some cookies.
Image created by Almostgotit’s 12-yr-old daughter, who thinks her mother is acting like an idiot.
August 13th, 2008 at 12:46 am
You’ll never get there in that rattletrap! You need to strap a small antler-wearing dog to that thing!
August 13th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Hang in there, Almostgotit! Sounds like that retail therapy was tremendously helpful……
…..and kind of makes me want to go off to college myself!
Anyway, no, you are not acting like an idiot. It’s hard to let go. Just remember that whatever happens, he’ll always be your little boy (someday he’ll appreciate this more).
August 13th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
The word “grotty” surfaced again and again just a while ago (a great word, by the way…right up there with huffling), as I was de-grotting my 15-year-old’s bathroom while he was in the next room playing video games (I know, I know..What’s wrong with this picture?). I will loan him to you occasionally over the course of the next four years, if you wish. He was shocked recently when I told him he’d be moving out about then. (His response: whaaa???) Yep, I said, you’re starting high school in just a couple of weeks–four years of that, and then you’re on your way in the world. I’m not starting high school, he insisted, I’m starting NINTH GRADE. I tried to swallow my giggles. Truth is? I dread that day four years from now, and my heart aches for you. Have fun baking those cookies.
August 13th, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Oh oh oh. I laughed when I read of your shopping trip–”just a few things he might need”–because I did EXACTLY the same thing for both sons. I remember in particular that I solemnly choose a small bottle of dish detergent to wash up the dishes that I bought for son A. As I recall, the dish detergent bottle was full right up to the top when we packed his room to bring him home in April. I was a little embarrassed that I had forgotten how college students live, including girls, and it involves little if any housework of the dishwashing sort. I quietly moved the bottle from his belongings to my kitchen.
Just wait (don’t you hate it when the older, not necessarily wiser, person says that? Me too) until you help him get settled in a new apartment. I, along with a friend with a talent for home decoration, spent a day jazzing up son P’s apartment while he was at work. I imagined his delight when he saw how we’d made the apartment homier, less empty or lonely (as, to my eyes, it was). What I got was a furious son for my interfering ways. He LIKED an apartment with album covers on the wall. BUTT OUT.
Oh yes. It’s VERY hard letting go…
August 13th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Almost:
Oh these big life-shaking transitions that never hit anyone else as hard as they hit mothers…
My son left for college three years ago (he goes back next week for Senior year). Daughter leaves in early September, making me an empty nester.
It works this way: you buy for them and do for them what you have to so that YOU can survive. Because they will be just fine. It’s you whose heart will be bleeding.
Like I say to my son as we start packing him up for impending departure: “Just let me do these things. This is about me.” He just smiles and rubs my back. “I know, Mom.”
Best wishes!
August 13th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Thank you all! He leaves tomorrow, and today I’ve been going around feeling like I have the ‘flu. “This is NORMAL,” I keep reminding myself.
@ James: I love your sense of humor. Don’t stop sharing it with me!
@ Working Girl: And if you do, I’ll buy *you* a toilet brush. (notice how I just started my sentence with a conjunction there?)
@Deb: I’d love to borrow your son. I’ll let you know when I’m having a particularly bad day of missing “grotty”
@ Kathy: your son’s apartment story reminded me of my mother, who two times now has arrived at my house and helpfully chopped off my favorite houseplant. I think we probably NEVER let go.
@ Ann: It’s good to be honest with our children, especially when we need to be selfish! You do understand. And you’ll have to let me know how it is different with daughters (they probably pick out their OWN shower caddies, right?)
August 14th, 2008 at 8:37 am
Postscript: 15-year-old says he will gladly act as occasional surrogate and requires only food and television. (On reading that sentence, I realized that the “food” component sounds so very innocuous, and yet you know what that means for an adolescent male: protein in unthinkable quantities, with butterfat–lots of it–thrown in for good measure.)
August 14th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
My gut hurts for ya! How DOES this happen??
August 15th, 2008 at 6:29 pm
OMG people must we de-nest? I dont want to go!! Whah!
JT
http://www.Ultimate-Anonymity.com
August 15th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Thank him for me, Deb!
I have *no* idea, True! But it is the weirdest thing ever. Right up there with having the wriggling, naked little things come into being in the first place.
Jim — Hmm, Ultimate Anonymity, eh? But yep, you gotta come out sometime.
September 8th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
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