What if you moved to another city for your husband…
March 27, 2009 By: almostgotit Category: Uncategorized, anger, career transition, family, feminism, moving, relocation
Creative Commons image by Mpopp
Sometimes people come across my older posts and leave comments, which my regular readers then miss. I didn’t want you to miss this one, though.
Tanya wrote:
What if you moved to another city for your husband, ended up unemployed for 2 years, and 2 of the most potentially productive and career-making years of your life (under 30, no kids)? After you had already had to give up a very promising and well-paid job in another city? And now you realize you will never have a really cool job and kids at the same time? And you are too old with too much of a broken resume to ever apply to and get into a top business school, which you have only come to realize is essential to having transferrable job skills that people actually want to hire? How do you get over that?
Tanya’s comment hit me in the gut, and I don’t want to minimize her obvious pain in any way. She and I have had a whole lot of experiences (and feelings!) in common*, and I don’t have any easy answers for her.
((Except that it sounds like I’m even older, have an even worse resume, so quite possibly am even more screwed! ))
Tanya sounds pretty upset. And pissed off, too. The last thing I’d suggest is that she “get over it.” Being upset isn’t wrong, because it tells you something IS wrong. You can’t just ”get over” it: you can only use it. Anger is very powerful, and while it can destroy you, it can also give you enormous strength to do important and difficult things.
I wonder who, or what, is telling Tanya she’s too old and too broken and can’t even APPLY to business school? Or that people will only hire her if she does something she’s already told herself is impossible? Those are the sorts of thing our wicked inner toad people tell us. That’s a load of garbage. And it hurts us very much to swallow it.
What’s worked for me? Personal and marital counselling, talking to people who are experts in job re-entry, talking to people who know how to make my resume better, taking care of myself even when I don’t want to.
Being with supportive friends is the MOST important, studies now show… even better than exercise!
So, Tanya, what are you doing to be nice to yourself?
——————-
* I am re-activating this angry post especially for Tanya. I’d de-activated it because it’s not me at my most attractive, and I really do like men. But sometimes, Damitol, living with them just makes me MAD.
March 27th, 2009 at 5:03 am
[...] For Tanya [...]
March 27th, 2009 at 9:06 am
Toad people . . . yeah, like shape-shifters. Alas, there is evil in the world, it is found in people, women and men, and damnitall it is always difficult to choose the right thing course and do the right thing. This always feels like we are in control and I always feel like it’s work.
By the way why do females need or want males?
March 27th, 2009 at 9:22 am
I don’t know which element of Tanya’s angst is the most worrisome, but the idea that she somehow believes she is too worn out to apply to business school is right up there. I recall a class during my early college years in which a much, much older person sat in a desk among the rest of us; on the first day the class met, the professor singled out this person and went so far as to say she would add an interesting dimension to our class because of her age and life experience. I was inspired by that.
I was also inspired once taking a break on campus, in the common area of a building, by two elderly women at an adjacent table, who were unpacking and sharing their beautiful homemade lunches while discussing which homework they should do first: English literature, or Western Civ? It dawned on me that these two probably never had the opportunity to go to college, or finish a degree. And there they sat, eating deviled eggs and discussing Beowulf. (And I bet their take on Beowulf added an interesting dimension to their English lit class!)
Hope Tanya takes the bull by the horns if she has not already.
March 27th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Lady, I’m going to borrow this. I’ll put it on a little card on my bulliten board. Love Trika
“taking care of myself even when I don’t want to”
March 27th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
As a newcomer, I enjoyed the links to past entries.
I don’t know Tanya, but I do know lies when I see them. Can’t have a really cool job and kids? A lie. Can’t get into a good business school? A lie. Paralyzing lies. The way you “get over that” is to prove that they are lies. How do you regain confidence and conviction? Only by risking failure, once again–and succeeding.
March 27th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Yikes. When you are under 30 you are not too old and too “broke” (resume-wise) to do ANYTHING.
This also applies to under 40s, under 50s, and so on. I mean, good Lord, people! Do I have to do the blatant self-promotion thing and point to my book, in which I recount the adventures (also trials/tribulations)–and, most important, successes–of my 59 jobs?
Tanya, you have much ahead of you. Do not listen to anyone who is telling you it’s “too late.” Find some way to release and rid yourself of that anger (justified, but holding you back) and move forward.
March 28th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Just the other day I had someone leave a comment on one of Dennis’s posts from last year that said something to the effect of “Don’t you check your spelling before you post, you illiterate idiot?” Fortunately Dennis patiently explained to this person that he runs all his posts through the vizsla spell checker before posting them, so the commenter was spared from receiving a sarcastic response from me.
Obviously that’s nothing like Tanya’s situation, because Dennis never posts about anything serious …
March 29th, 2009 at 6:23 am
I had someone tell me over the phone, when I responded to a “no experience necessary” ad, not to call him back because I hadn’t been working for a year. I was 22. I never thought to tell him that most of that year involved having a baby. I threw the phone across the room — but I never doubted for an instant that he was right.
I agree with your suggestions that Tanya get counselling and cultivate good friends. The anonymous world can be big and scary, and even mean and ugly sometimes. Good luck, Tanya!
March 29th, 2009 at 11:53 am
@ Bill: Men are wonderful! If they were exactly like women, what on earth would we do for fun? But sometimes men — and women — can be jerks. And each in their own way…
@ALTOS & Trika: Hurray for adding your own two bits to my own! That’s EXACTLY how this “support each other” thing works!
@Wordnut: you are right about the lies that support self-defeating talk — though Tanya is also right that having a good job and kids at the same time (or sequentially) is a particularly large challenge…
@Working Girl: of *course* you should mention your book, right here! And thank you for doing so. Good Lord, people, do I have to remind you to go look up Working Girl’s book?!?
@ Dennis, you crack me up. I’m glad to have your impeccable spelling system finally explained, however. I have been *wondering* how you did it so consistently!
@ lavenderbay: Grrrrr, lemme AT that jerk! “…but I never doubted for an instant that he was right” is the most heart-wrenching part, and so very often the case. I remember! Wouldn’t it be nice if we could go back to our younger selves like wise older sisters and give the little things a hug, point out how capable they really are, and push them back out to try again?
Thanks to all of you for such good and thoughtful comments. I have no idea if Tanya is still reading, but what you said makes *me* feel good so I’m sure that others are finding it helpful, also.
xxoo Almostgotit
April 1st, 2009 at 5:04 pm
I think you should keep that poem activated, I really like it.
April 3rd, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Do you know what is weird? I find that me and my peers (late 20s, early 30s) kind of have it the opposite. The idea of not having to work, and actually toy with the idea of being full-time mothers is a LUXURY. My friends and I find the idea of being a full time freelancer glamorous/liberating (really). The husbands PREFER us to have careers on top of doing the mother thing, the look good thing, the run the household thing (we’d have less time to whine, they’d have more money to buy their own toys). After reading your post, I’m not sure which side of the grass is greener anymore though.