One of the harder things about being new is all the things you have to encounter (and feel) for the first time. It’s like going to Junior High all over again, but with more wrinkles.
I know it gets easier. It already IS easier, most days. But today I clearly had some sort of “Failure!” or “EMBARRASS ME” badge pinned to my chest that I couldn’t see, but clearly everyone else could.
I’m not really a “loud” or pushy sort of person. Nevertheless, this seemed to be my day to be told that I needed to butt out. When I wasn’t finding out I’d wasted several weeks of work because people didn’t tell me what they could have told me. When I wasn’t reading aggressive emails to which I can’t respond. Or when I wasn’t reading (forwarded) invitations sent to everyone except for, well, me.
And, sure, it’s just because I’m NEW that they forgot me, right? So what you do is make a gentle little joke to show there’s no hard feelings, and ask if you can go anyway, which of course you can, and everything turns out fine, right? Well, not so much, as it turns out, when actually one was left out sort of on purpose, though sure, you can come if you really WANT to.
Sometimes, even giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, including myself, isn’t quite enough to cover all the bases. So instead, I just get to be the wuss who finally gets in the car at the end of a very long day and cries all the way home.
I know it will get easier. And I’ll figure all of these things out. But tonight, I’m going into my room with the New Yorker AND The Economist AND my trashy novel, and I’m closing the door, and no one is allowed to talk to me until tomorrow morning.
P.S. And yes, of course I’m going. With every one of my bells on, and they are going to be really glad I’m there. Cause baby, I EARNED these wrinkles!