Almostgotit.com

Anything that comes out of the South is going to be called grotesque by the northern reader, unless it is grotesque, in which case it is going to be called realistic. - Flannery O’Connor

Photos by WWW.POWNETWORK.ORG

Well, as it turns out, Knoxville evangelist Ernie Ray Lester didn’t really fight in Vietnam.

His 23 war wounds? The single-handed killing of thousands of Vietnamese? Waiting for rescue as the sole survivor of a massive enemy ambush?

Not so much.

But he did work as a biker assassin.  Really, he did.

And as for getting rammed at full speed by the Lincoln Continental? while collecting on a drug debt? which “knocked my eyes out of my head and my teeth out of my mouth” until they got sewed back in again by a biker doctor?  That really happened, too.  But not in Houston, as he’d said before. 

“That was Atlanta,”  he corrected the record on Friday.

Faced by a flood of evidence provided by attorneys, law enforcement officials, and other folk, Ernie Ray Lester has agreed to update his testimony a wee bit. 

I think he should consider opening a sperm bank, as well.

Last year I totally forgot to send out Christmas cards, so I made valentines for my loved ones instead.  This year, I had the pleasure of attending a “Make Victorian Valentines” fundraiser — what fun!

Making Valentines

In addition to a refreshment table with coffee, hot chocolate, and lots of cookies, organizers set out lots of fun stuff to use in our valentines, much of it purchased from thrift-stores or at deep discount the year before. 

Our choices ranged from vintageladies’ handkerchiefs to doilies; from beads and sequins to bits of lace. I loved what everyone made, but secretly loved the children’s valentines the best– big, lopsided construction paper confections with childish hand writing, “I lovE you mommY”. 

Victorian Valentines

I thought it was a WONDERFUL idea, and how many of us get valentines anymore, much less home-made ones, glue and real handwriting and all?

Hand-made valentines

There’s still time.  Go get your scissors and paper and make someone you love an old-fashioned valentine, too!

Be mine

Haitian children wait in a police car after a group of Americans was stopped tryingto take them out of the country. Photograph: Reuters (guardian.co.uk)

They’re so cute in the pictures.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to sweep into their native environment,  assuring our donors that we intended to spend as little time there as possible  (because Haiti is so Ewww), and SAVE THE PUPPIES, er, the children in Haiti? 

And, since Haiti is just a comic book world where real laws don’t exist and where people aren’t  as complicated as they are back here in the real world, we don’t need to bother with any paperwork either.

The nice thing about working with cute little foreign children who simply need better homes  is that we can just fix that for them. 

There are a lot of children in America (particularly Idaho, I’m thinking!) who need better homes, too, but *American* children aren’t puppies, and we generally realize that it’s not our right to relocate and reassign them at will.

See, the whole “Haiti Earthquake” thing?  It’s all just a little test that God set up for us real people, so that we can earn our “Good Christian” certificate and move up to the next level.

I’m a little scared, though.  What if some nice Martian Methodists come to America next  and decide to remove all the kids here who need better healthcare, healthier food, and better parenting? 

The Almostgotits fed their kids M&M’s for lunch yesterday: we’re screwed. 

What am I missing?  And what do you think should happen now to the group of Americans now being detained for kidnapping in Haiti?

Cross-posted on BlogHer.com

Right now: 

read it again!

They’re a heck of a lot of work, kids.

But how I do love peeking into their funny little brains, and fortunately mine both still let me do that via their Facebook pages. Here’s the latest:

Almostgotit’s son: has suddenly, really rather abruptly, become a huge fan of “Ticket To Ride.” Awesome song.

Almostgotit’s daughter: I try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that spinning around in circles greatly improves one’s chances of crashing headfirst into the dishwasher.

Our dog Jerry also retains certain violent feelings about dishwashers, so we clearly have some things to work out at my house.

Night time temperatures are dipping again this week, but Jerry the Rhodesian Fridgesnack has great pyjamas…

Interesting comment submitted today from someone who, by all appearances, does appear to be my neighbor David Perkins:

Hello Fans, So nice of you to appreciate my creativity and potential. Lots of types of trees on the place, I like to juggle, play bamboo flute, sit and watch the sunrise and read my mail, feed the birds. If you may be interested in becoming my wife, I invite you to be in contact.
(Comment on Almostgot.com post, “Dave’s Klezmer Band & Sperm Bank” )

I’m already married though, but thanks Dave. 

On another note, today’s News-Sentinel reports that Knoxville’s MPC has granted David Perkins’ permission to give music lessons at his home; however, Perkins’ additional request to run a Jewish sperm bank at home, through which he “offers his seed,” has been denied. 

So sorry to hear, Dave.

I’m also sorry to have missed Perkins’  pitch to the Metropolitan Planning Commission — apparently Perkins delivered it as a performance, running through the presentation at an auctioneer’s pace in an exaggerated announcer’s voice.

I wonder if David Perkins can tell what kind of voice Almostgotit is using right now?

Red Cross in Haiti (2008)

Want to help the victims of the earthquake in Haiti?  Relief organizations need your help, but want donors to know that some kinds of help are definitely better than others.

InterAction, a coalition of U.S.-based international non-governmental organizations (including the Center for International Disaster Information)gives these tips:

• Cash donations are widely recognized as the most efficient and effective means of relief in the established international disaster response community.

• While they may be well-intentioned, clothing, canned goods, and other in-kind donations are *not* the  preferred choice for humanitarian contributions to Haiti.  Consider reserving these kinds of donations for needs in your local community.

• Donate wisely!  Make sure your money goes to a credible responding agency for international emergencies.  InterAction is regularly updating this list of  member agencies who are responding to the earthquake.  For more information about how to choose a legitimate charity, visit www.give.org.

“Hello!  Dave’s Klezmer Band and Sperm Bank.  Can I help you?”

That’s exactly how I plan to answer the phone just as soon as my Knoxville neighbor, David Perkins,  hires me as receptionist  for his unique new set of business ventures. 

While Mr. Perkins insists he will not be using his suburban house as a performance venue, and that the massive thing behind him with benches is simply a PLANTER, his Myspace page describes “Dave’s Place” as

A lovely home setting with performance spaces both indoors and outdoors. Theater seating around the grounds for up to 300 guests viewing four separate shows. Beautiful views and ample space to stroll..

Plus, of course, he’ll have the Jewish sperm bank, so hundreds of lucky people can, um, watch the shows and enjoy the views, or even have kids who look  just like Dave!

What more can I say?

You can’t make up stuff as good as this.  So I guess I’ll simply close  with a few of Dave’s own happy images, accompaned by his Klezmer music.