Almostgotit.com

Very few of us will do the right thing, economically, unless we have to do it.

Doing the right thing because we have to do it still can be a positive experience.

Both Republicans (situationally) and Democrats (legislatively) believe in forcing people to do the right thing.

Republicans and Democrats take turns being right — and catastrophically wrong.

Maybe there are few definitive solutions at all.

Maybe there are more solutions than we can imagine.

Maybe most of us are getting poorer.

Maybe that doesn’t matter as much as we think it does.

Maybe we can’t make money doing the things that we love.

Maybe that will break our hearts.

Or maybe that will force us to discover how to love what we do, instead.

Maybe we’ll do everything right and still  fail.

Maybe we’ll make one mistake after another and turn out just fine.

Maybe life eventually will confound us all.

Change Is Hard Work; it requires hope, direction, bravery and time. -Thomas Moore

The sign at left is a standard one in Great Britain, and was one of our favorites.  While it merely means “adjusted right-of-way ahead,” I always had the strong sense that Stephen Covey was speaking to us directly from the heavens.  Other signs we loved were “Caution: Rising Bollards!” (which sounds like a variety of aggressive ostrich but in fact refers to adjustable traffic barriers) and various humorous — and at times salacious – notices about “zebra crossings” (which are crosswalks with painted lines.  Get it?) 

When we lived in England, we were frequently amazed and amused at how different our two languages were.  Pantyhose don’t “run” in Britain, they “ladder.”  Sinister-sounding ”schemes” merely refer to ”plans.”  Our children’s classmates patiently explained to us that a “pavement” is not a material but a sidewalk.  (though they also knew what “sidewalks” were from watching American telly.)   ”Corn” is a generic term for grain, while “lumber” is the rubbish you store in your attic.  

Moreover?  It is not nice to mention your pants (underwear) in public, but perfectly acceptable to announce that you need the toilet (bathroom). 

That last, in particular, was a particular challenge for us as embarrassed Americans, even when we understood that a willingness to ask perfect strangers to please point out the nearest toilet was not only necessary, but completely ordinary to everyone but ourselves. 

In other words: change was hard, but we had to get over it or else pee in our, er, trousers.  Sigh.  (Life is so brutal sometimes.)

So maybe my current life stage is not so very different from learning to use a new language, nor even so very different from potty training.  What do we tell our children when they are learning such a life-changing skill?  You need to think ahead. You need to pay attention to yourself.  Sometimes, there will be accidents, but keep trying and eventually you will succeed.  

Since our “mums” aren’t here to tell us these things anymore,  maybe posting signs for ourselves now and then would actually be a good idea.  Post-it notes on the bathroom mirror or on the computer monitor or in a daytimer?  Or maybe posting signs for the REST of the family would be in order, too.  What would your signs say?
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Creative Commons images by
Christine(bpc) (Changed Priorities);  Andrewb47 (Rising Bollards);  SeanMcTex (Humped Zebra Crossing); Ceejayoz (Princess Parking)
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Tangentally Related Posts:
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My friend Peggy, aka the Career Encourager, has asked me to choose which of the following I would use to describe myself:

1 – I am a Working Mother

2 – I am a Woman with Children and a Career

3 – Other

Hmm.  How would you answer that, readers? 

The way I define myself keeps changing, is the problem.  I’m going to be out of the mother business soon enough and never quite made it to feeling like a “Working Mother,”  so I think the first option is out.

The second option,”I am a woman with children and a career” is a little better in that I was a “woman” before I was a mother, but it seems a little out of reach as well.  I might, someday, get to call myself ”a woman with children and a job,” and then a few more years after that, I’d really like to retain the ”a woman with a job” part, too.   But a “Woman with Children and Career?”  “Careers” sound like such permanent and uninterupted things, things people have expressly gone to school to prepare for when they were young, worked away at for a three or so further decades, and then eventually retire from.  Can the majority of mothers even do this?  **Having a Career** sounds so intense and single-minded.  While “intense” certainly fits me, what mother is ever free to be single-minded as well? 

What I am is chronically multi-minded instead.  And every one of my many minds is subject to sudden and unpredictable change as my children and my life and I all go lurching along together. 

Which seems to leave only the last option: “other.”  I’d probably have chosen that option anyway, being the obnoxious iconoclast that I am, but in this case I think it really is the only one that fits.   In the end I think I choose “I am a woman:” or maybe,  ”I (just) am,” period.

How about you?

Creative commons   Child’s Drawing Photo by an0nym0usmus & Giraffe Photo by Timothy K. Hamilton  (see great comment by Timothy, below!)

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Related Posts: Woman vs. rabbit hole: are we giving up too much?
Hanging in, and blonder, too
Trying it on for size: permanent 9-5 expat?

Do you have one of these? I have several, and they seem to get bigger every day. I can still remember when it was fun going out to get the mail… now, whenever I see a mail truck, I feel like screaming, “INCOMING!” and heading for the fall-out shelter.

Things have come to the point where these irreducible piles are giving me brain-rot. How can I do anything at all with the damn things lurking in the background all the time? It feels like I have hangnails, or some kind of terrible skin disease. They make me feel guilty and irresponsible. They’ve got to go!
There are lots of great ideas on how to get organized… and as a natural “messy,” every so often I just have to revisit them.

I’m afraid that my first impulse is always to head to Target or Pier One, giving in to my default conviction that surely the right collection of bins and baskets will solve the whole problem. The real problem, of course, is that my piles represent a series of delayed decisions, which in the aggregate quickly become too overwhelming to tackle at all.

So today, I am beginning at the beginning. Well, after checking my email and blogging, of course! My sword and shield of choice? A large trash can and an egg-timer.

Because even the most tedious task should be bearable in five minute increments. As writer Anne Lamott suggests, some things are best if you just take them bird by bird.

“You’ve been to your interview, you’ve waited patiently, but you haven’t heard from the interviewer. You need to make the follow-up call.” – Carolyn Silvey, VP, Staffing Solutions

Careerbuilder.com suggests waiting a week to 10 days before following up, giving the company time to complete any other interviews and wrap up other business related to the hiring situation. If one hasn’t heard from the company after that, so the reasoning goes, it is time to make contact (by phone or email) to indicate one is still interested in the job and to determine if the position has already been filled. At the same time, one is also supposed not to be intrusive or annoying.

In my opinion? Any phone call initiated by a candidate at this point will probably be both intrusive and annoying.

Whether the company hasn’t been able, or hasn’t bothered to call a candidate after an extended period of time, (e.g., THREE WEEKS) it’s a good bet that either someone else got the job, or else something has gone wrong. And if the latter, it’s hard to imagine that it could be in the candidate’s best interest to inject herself or himself into the mix. If the problem is at the company’s end, for instance, it may be that

· Other overwhelming or urgent business, possibly unexpected, has forced the search committee to put this particular item of company business on a slower time table.

· If a company is heavily bureaucratic or politicized, or where finances are tight, the hiring process itself may have become enmired in complications and extensions. (Can you say “UNIVERSITY?”)

If, on the other hand, there is nothing wrong at the company’s end (other than appallingly bad manners!), and provided they haven’t already filled the position with someone else, the only logical possibility that remains is that they haven’t seen their ideal candidate yet. And if that is the case, either

· Everything (and everyone) has been put on hold while waiting to see if that Spectacular Someone (S.S.) will show up… and only if S.S. does not will one of the lesser candidates be called up out of the bullpen. -or-

· All candidates, whether they knew it or not, have been participating in a single-elimination contest with no decisive end in view, save that unknown future point when the S.S. shows up, a hire is finally made, and the search is officially declared “closed.”

In my own case — and you knew this was all about me, right? — I really can’t make heads or tails of it, and it’s officially been three weeks since my interview, with all offers and negotiating to have been done, hopefully, so that the job could begin by August 1.

If this were any other organization, I’d assume my chances at this point were nil. But this isn’t any other organization. This is The Institution Which Shall Not Be Named, which follows no rules I’ve ever heard about, ever, anywhere. And the August 1st date was presented to me as the most optimistic, and would have been so even had they offered the job to me on the spot three weeks ago. This being the T.I.T.S.N.B, after all.

However, another (though much less lucrative) job possibility has come up this week. Therefore, it would be nice to know where I stand this time ’round with T.I.T.S.N.B., and as they never have followed any of the standard business conventions, and likely never will, it looks like I’ll have to improvise a little.

We have to leave town in less than 24 hours for our two-week vacation.  Much as I tried to get a jump on everything in advance (arranging a pet & garden sitter, buying all the tickets, renting the car, paying the bills…) things come crashing in, nonetheless.  My colleagues decide to move all our websites to a new server, TODAY.  All of the animals need new flea & heartworm stuff from the vet TODAY.  Both kids (BOTH!) have to go to the doctor TODAY.  One child has a friend who needs a ride from one end of town, the other child left her shorts at the other end of town, and both the friend and shorts are required here, in our house.  TODAY.   I’ve got several vitally-important things to get in the mail.  My new cell phone needs to be  set up.   My laptop keys are all sticking again, and this is the computer I have to take with me on the plane.

And.  Just now, a few minutes ago, I got a Phone Call.  From The Institution That Shall Not be Named.  From someone who did NOT hire me several months ago.  Turns out they have a new position, still have my resume on file, and want me to go for an interview.  TOMORROW MORNING.   I’ve long since stopped looking at their job listings.  Never again did I intend to go through the wringer with these folks.   But I’m going to do it, and I’m going to do it cold, because I don’t have any time to do it any other way.  Well, I might take a shower first… 

(and guys?  this is exactly one of those reasons to be gracious after being rejected for a job!!! )

I said no to the IT job.

Maybe I’ll blog about it later, but first, I have to hold my fingers in my ears for a while.  See,  the toad people and vinegar-faced ladies are massing on my borders, ready to launch a major attack.  The people under the house are muttering obscenities.  The thugs on my bus are beginning to shift in their seats, stealthily reaching for their weapons.

Photo by Yodi Ann

Drat it all.  I already know everything they want to tell me. 

It may be my last chance, it may mean major financial hardship.  People may think badly of me.  I can already think of several who will think I’m making a mistake.  Let them. 

Yes.  Statistically, women who have stayed home with their children can’t expect to be paid better than this or treated more professionally than this when they go back to work, particularly if they aren’t willing to play the game by starting from rock bottom.

Statistically, women must settle.  In real life, there is no beautiful soundtrack that plays when you make difficult, brave decisions.  There is no audience that gasps with admiration.  There’s not even a guaranteed happy ending.  In real life, bills need to be paid, obligations must be met, and compromises made.  Life plods on.  Very few people would keep working at their current jobs if they won the lottery.

And in real life, you never win the lottery. 

Instead, you learn that the difference between the right and wrong choices is rarely crystal clear.  Usually there are several options, all of them problematic, and all of them with great potential. 

Usually, you just have to do your best and choose.  And this chick chooses not to settle.

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How (not) to interview for a job (this story begins)
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Woman vs. Rabbit Hole
Toad People

These are just so exactly perfect.

• As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
• I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
• I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.
• I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
• In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
• Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
• My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
• I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
• I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
• I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
• As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
• When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
• The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second,to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
• As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
• All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
• I am at one with my duality.
• Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
• Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
• I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
• I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
• Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so!”
• False hope is better than no hope at all.
• A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
• Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
• Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute…. I’ll find someone.
• Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
• The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
• I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
• Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
• To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.
• I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
• Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’s a mile away and barefoot.

Posted several places online, including here.  No attribution given.  Please let me know if you know the original source!

My daughter graduated from 5th grade today.  I never graduated from anything until highschool, but today I’m thinking:  some new ways of doing things actually are good.  We need to mark our milestones.  They matter.  My son will graduate from high school next year, and then supposedly will go to college (if he can remember to apply to any of them).  If 5th grade graduation can make me cry, I will really need my friends around me when my first born leaves the nest, I can tell you right now. 

But no, today, I’m not even going to go there. 

My mother is flying in for a visit tomorrow, the house is a total disaster, and I am also exchanging flurries of email with a potential employer.  The latter has gotten more than slightly ridiculous, like we’re settling a lawsuit or arranging security clearance, instead of just talking about a no-big-deal job.  Yesterday I almost walked away but decided to send one last demanding email instead, sure it would scare them off once and for all (which would actually have made it easier to focus on cleaning my house) but nope:  back they are again today, still wanting to talk.  I don’t know.  I asked them for the weekend. 

I still need some more time to eat olives and bake cookies. 

Have moved from cookies to olives.  Really strong, salty ones, right out of the jar.  How is it that I survived the first three decades of my life without liking olives? 

However, I am even more grateful for friends.  Some of whom I’ve not even met in person yet, but whose words, both public and private, (Thanks Ann, thanks Peggy) have been very helpful indeed.  Nor will I entertain any silly idea that the ongoing weirdness of my (almost) life is a sign of terminal uniqueness, because I know it is not. 

So.  Millenial career guru Penelope Trunk insists that one of the keys to success is taking long lunch hours, and I agree with her. 

For one thing, meeting for lunch doesn’t take nearly as long as meeting for golf, and I can’t play golf anyway.  Sharing a meal is one of those sacramentally human things for which there is really no substitute.  Call it “networking” in a career context if you want, but it’s so much more than that.

A friend asked to meet today and I happily said “yes.”  We’ve both been so busy with our own lives and all they contain that we don’t see each other as much as we would like.  Across the table, our eyes meet and we smile as we talk. 

This is the good stuff.

She just finished her classes for the term, her first as a Ph.D candidate, (hurray!)  Her life this summer will be filled with trips and beaches, dancing and driving lessons, and getting a child ready for a semester abroad.   We laughed at how this mothering just keeps going on, no matter how long it’s been since we actually had these babies.  At least we can identify, in advance, that summer will be hectic for us, a balancing act between the still-insatiable demands of our tall children and the need to carve out our own space in the midst of them, even as the tall folk inevitably object.  Which, just as inevitably, will make us feel bad, and we’ll have to persevere through that as well. 

It seems too early to call this stage a “mid-life” anything, nor are we empty-nesters just yet.  So we’ve been calling this stage “Chapter Two.”  The most demanding part of our childraising is over (except during vacations!) and we are coming up for air and to take a look around at what comes next.  Several of us (my friend included) are looking at a life without the life-and-financial partner we’d assumed would live it with us.  That’s more than a little rough.

Nor has the world waited for us. Often, weirdly, we’re less employable now than we were straight out of college, even though most of us have had several additional years of gainful employment since then. 

Go figure.

But here is something Penelope Trunk doesn’t know, because she’s not been here.  We’ve been around.  We already know how to be counter-cultural.  We’re tough, and we’ve still got lots of game. 

Watch us. 

And just for you, my friends: one of my very nice Cesar #2 Montesinos, by Tabacalera Fuente.