Almostgotit.com

Dear Assistant Dean of Fun Stuff,

Thank you so very much for meeting with me last week and introducing me to a few of your partners in crime. What a great group. While we won’t be coming to Utah after all (TITSNOB actually pulled out a decent counter offer for my dh– the rats) I wanted to let you know how exciting it was to get a glimpse of the many possibilities for *me* that are there. I wish you every success and fully expect to see your campus innovations written up in The Chronicle very soon.

With all good wishes,

Almostgotit
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Almostgotit – it was so fun to meet you, even briefly. And I’m so sorry you won’t be coming here; we were all beginning to get excited about the possibilities, both for the XX Center and for other efforts on campus we could drag you into

Very best of luck there at TITSNOB!

Assistant Dean of Fun Stuff

Dear Unit Supervisor at TITSNOB with the crappy job on offer,

Thank you for your kind email.  Yes, I would very much appreciate a meeting with you about the job in your unit that I have no intention of taking, and if you could get TITSNOB Hiring  Big Cheese in the room too as you’ve suggested, that would be grand. I’d be willing to come by at your convenience, including this afternoon if you are still available.

Gratefully,

Almostgotit

Dear TITSNOB Hiring Big Cheese,

Thank you so much for taking the time to meet with Unit Supervisor and me today.  It was a pleasure to finally meet you after you’ve already rejected so many of my applications.

Your attention input was very helpful, and I especially appreciated your flattery frankness.  I agree with you that the particular vacancy we were discussing would be a total travesty probably isn’t a good fit for me right now, and appreciate your offer to consider me for future TITSNOB positions that may be much better jobs more suitable.   If I get a sex-change operation, will you marry me?!?!  Attached is another copy of my resume: I’m also grateful for your offer to circulate it.

Thanking you again,

Almostgotit

My husband and I finally had an argument over this whole job thing last night… sort of remarkable, really, that it took us this long.

We are supposed to make our final decision about the new job today, and The Mid-Level Guy (T.M.L.G.) was supposed to get back to us yesterday morning with his counter-offer.

By 9 pm. last night we’d not heard a word, and began making plans about how to handle his silence.  Tensions were a wee bit high.

We finally got T.M.L.G’s email at about 11 pm… no, he hadn’t heard yet from his superiors with the money part, but hey, before? When he said pretty dismissively that he couldn’t do anything for The Wife? Turns out maybe he could get Almostgotit a very low level, very poorly paid secretarial job in his own Development office after all, which could be a great entree into Development in general, which we all know is a growing and lucrative field.

Yes I do know, says I, to Mr. Almostgotit. And I’m trying very hard to appreciate his efforts.

But might I point out,  says I additionally, That it’s the other city’s highest level Development/Advancement people (among others) who are calling me directly, on the phone (not just sending emails via my husband) and talking to me about writing and PR jobs in Development — instead of ignoring my updated resume altogether and offering an entry-level clerical job instead, citing my fracking “organizational skills?!?”

All else being truly equal, we both would rather stay in Tennessee, but

No one will ever just hand you a job, says Mr. A. You’ve got to try harder, or get another degree.

Maybe, counters I. But lots of people, especially those not occupying your own particular little part of the world, would say instead that the best way to get jobs is though connections, And how crazy am I to turn my back on this only time, ever, that so many people are going to bat for me, in the other city, right now??

(Besides, I add, much later. Besides. How can you say I haven’t tried??)

The man here is trying, says Mr. A. We should consider his offer. He’s right about it being an entree…

No, says I. If I wanted that kind of job, I could get one on my own. There are a million of them at The Institution that Shall not Be Named ( TITSNOB. *) Thank T.M.L.G for me, of course, but I am a terrible, terrible secretary. And I know exactly the job he’s talking about… I used to bring my paperwork to that person, buried in a basement office in a sea of filing cabinets and paperwork. That’s all she did. I’d die there. I’d DIE.

If you could get one of those jobs on your own, why haven’t you, says Mr. A.

Because I haven’t applied for any of those jobs, says I, a wee bit too loudly. And if I did want to be a secretary, I’d certainly not be one at TITSNOB, as the standard pay elsewhere in Knoxville is almost twice as much. I know, because I’ve looked into it, several times.

If we want to stay here, we need to find out more about the job, at least, says Mr. A.  Do you even KNOW what you want?

Some, says I, voice stupid and wobbly.  I know some of what I want.  And I know I don’t want to be a secretary.

This isn’t just any secretarial job, says Mr. A., but could lead to higher things…

No it won’t,  says I. It won’t. Name one secretary at TITSNOB who has ever gone on to other things, beyond more responsible secretarial jobs? Besides, there is so much paperwork at that place that I’d never have time for anything else. The world needs paperwork people, TITSNOB needs more than most, and some people are satisfied being paperwork people.  Many paperwork people are delightful, but for me those jobs are a DISASTER. 

Slight rolling of the eyes from Mr. A.

I’m not just being dramatic, or snotty, says I.   I’ve failed in four clerical jobs, remember, and grown past them in any case? I keep wanting to push the envelope. I find the work-arounds that work better. I get in trouble in clerical jobs. I’m one of those people that OTHER job ads ask for: “A self-starter,” and that is exactly what TITSNOB does not want in its secretaries. I know that better than anyone else — remember?!?

We both have very mixed feelings, and clearly we are both a little whacky. But how I would love to thumb my nose at TITSNOB and ride the hell out of town without looking back. And how delicious it would be for everyone here to know that the deciding factor in our leaving was the great job someone else just gave to his wife — the formerly-known-pain-in-the-butt we call ”Almostgotit.”

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*Re TITSNOB:  No, the acronym doesn’t really work, but that’s okay because TITSNOB doesn’t really work either.

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** Re Penelope Trunk:  This post isn’t, strictly, like one of Penelope Trunk’s, because (a) I got my husband’s permission to talk about our argument and (b) I did not mention anyone’s genitalia, shaved or otherwise.

No, we haven’t decided yet.

We’re back, and we’re a mess. But while the decision of whether or not to relocate for a job may seem impossibly complicated, it’s really not.

Therefore, I’m putting the exhausted, emotional -wreck -of -an -Almostgotit in a chair and giving her a giant margarita: we’ll get back to her later.

While our guts may be working overtime as they churn through the many intangibles, there are some basic numbers we need to crunch first. Numbers are our friends. They give us the power we need to finish our negotiations. 

Gathering information also is a straight-forward, centering process that cools our heads and distracts our stomaches.  So we’ve got out our pads of paper and started our lists:

1. Cost of living differentials
Our money is only as good as what it will buy, and a salary’s buying power varies enormously depending on where one lives. Therefore, the very first thing we did with our job offer from the new location was to plug our current income into a “cost of living” calculator to see how the two numbers compare in real money.

Fortunately this was fast and easy to do online.

• Bankrate.com’s cost of living calculator takes into consideration “dozens of items in six broad categories — groceries, housing, utilities, transportation, health care and miscellaneous goods and services. It does not include the effects of state and local taxes.“ 
• CNNMoney.com’s salary comparison calculator  compiles data using key expenses in area of housing, utilities, transportation and health care costs.  This calculator also displayed a helpful chart comparing major costs in the two cities, showing us (for instance) that we should expect to pay 30% more for a similar house in the new city. While CNNMoney did not explicitly mention taxes, the calculation was so similar to Bankrate.com’s that I assume CNN also left out any tax consideration.
• Salary.com’s Cost of Living Wizard produced the narrowest gap between our two numbers, and also had the option of adding additional cities to the equation if one’s residence will be in a different city than one’s place of work. 

The next step, of course, is to refine these generic numbers according to our more particular circumstances.

2. Costs to the “trailing spouse”
Most families make relocation decisions based on the career of the family’s highest wage-earner, but there is usually a second wage-earner whose income (or lack thereof) needs to be calculated as well. Can the family finances manage if the “trailing spouse” (e.g., me) doesn’t find a job right away? How much weight should the “trailing spouse” numbers carry? 

While in the past my husband’s income has always been the deciding factor, in this case we actually have a viable financial choice for him either way: therefore, we’ve decided to put my own employment prospects near the top of our list this time.

3. Taxes
We pay an astronomical sales tax on everything in Tennessee, including food, but we have no state income tax. If it hadn’t been for a chance remark by one of our interviewers, I may have forgotten to check – but yes, the new state has an income tax. This got me on the right track, and I got out last year’s 1040 and plugged some of those numbers into an online tax calculator for our new location, remembering that many taxes can be partially deducted from federal taxes.

Don’t forget property taxes, annual motor vehicle taxes, etc – again, these vary widely, and usually can be found online.

4. Family-unique financials
We need to further adjust our relocation costs up or down depending on our particular financial circumstances.

This is the time to think of the permanent and long-term costs of a move, rather than the one-time costs of house-hunting or renting a moving truck, which are likely to be reimbursed.

In our case, we have several years’s worth of free winter heat stacked in our current back yard and expect that arrangement to continue indefinitely, a utility cost savings that will be hard to beat anywhere else. Our son currently qualifies for in-state university tuition, which we’ve been able to determine would continue; however, the additional faculty tuition discount he receives would not. We live where we only need one car, and face either the additional cost for a second vehicle or the (possible) additional cost of living in a similarly-convenience neighborhood in the new location.

Other families may have relatives who help care for their children, reducing the need to for expensive daycare. How many years do you have left on your current mortgage, what’s your current rate, and how much home equity do you currently have to invest in a new home? How would your commuting costs increase, or decrease? Would you have to drive your child to school in the new location, or pay private tuition? How much more, or less, would you need to spend on visits to extended family members? These are the sorts of things that should go on any “relocation financials”  list.

Numbers put a floor, ceiling, and walls on this enormous decision, and hopefullywill give that margarita-chugging gal and her companion the traction they’ll need to finish the job.

Any wisdom to add, readers?

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Additional relocation resources

Comprehensive List of Margarita Recipes:  Don’t even look at the low-calorie one.

Relocation Decision: Very helpful summary of the financials involved in a job relocation

Relocation Decision Wizard: Though aimed at retirees, this site has a number of helpful worksheets that guide rating communities, dealing with worries, making an action plan, etc.