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So, kids are mostly raised & I've just gone back to work…
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Archive for the ‘jobless’

You could always try it

April 21, 2007 By: almostgotit Category: employment, humor, interviewing, jobless, jokes, unemployable No Comments →

Dear Mr. HR Guy,

Thank you for your letter of April 17th.   This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of highly-qualified rejection letters.  With such a competitive field of candidates, it is simply impossible for me to accept all refusals, however.

Therefore, after careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your fine establishment.

Despite your company’s excellent qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following my dental appointment next Thursday. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
Finally Got It

There is no such thing as bravery; only degrees of fear.

April 20, 2007 By: almostgotit Category: courage, employment, fear, humor, jobless, success, writing 6 Comments →

Someone gave me an interesting employment suggestion today, and I must confess I had a bit of what I now call “a Target Moment”  Target is, of course, a cleaner, more uptown version of Walmart.  It’s the place where you always find everything you sort-of-need plus 54% more (it’s amazing, what happens to your bright red shopping cart in that place).  It’s also the place I’ve ended up more than once when I had a vague feeling I badly needed SOMETHING, and hoped Target would help me figure out what that was.  (Target’s marketing strategy is based heavily on existential crises, I think.)

Once, though, I’d not changed out of my gardening clothes before dashing off for something I sort-of-needed at Target.  I drove into the crowded parking lot and suddenly froze inside of my car.  Everything had gone all surface-y and intimidating.  All those people striding so purposely to and from their cars (87% of them SUV’s), efficiently bundling children and bulging bags of things back and forth.  Wearing all their clean, soccer mom outfits. Everyone seemed to know exactly who they were, what they wanted, and what the plan was, in general. What had any of this to do with me?  I wondered, a little stricken. 

Tada! A Target Moment.

Everyone has her own little issues.  I doubt this one is at all unusual, even.  The other night, at a little supper club I belong to, our host for the evening admitted that when we first started our club, she’d been very worried about what to wear to it.  She didn’t know us very well then, and we were only 14% real to each other at that point, so her head made up all sorts of intimidating stories about us.  But on this night, we wore anything from jeans to the formal outfit one of us had worn earlier to her daughter’s prom party.  None of us gave 2% of a rip, either. 

Target Moments are what we have when we forget that everyone else is the same as us, scared to death much of the time and desperately wanting to be loved.  Remembering this is even better than thinking of the audience sitting in their underwear.  Generally speaking, no one really has it together any more than we do, and we’re all just bumbling along best we can.  This includes 100% of those well-dressed, efficient-looking EMPLOYED people, including those who might possibly consider hiring us.

A relative of mine who is a successful physician, while still in school, formulated the “Shmuck Theorem,” which I find very helpful when a Target Moment sneaks up and threatens to derail me from being my most successful self.  It’s very simple:  “If the other schmucks can do it, so can I.”  Amen to that, baby!

What to do when you’re unemployed

April 20, 2007 By: almostgotit Category: humor, jobless, jokes, poetry, writing 1 Comment →

What to do if unemployed

Got any other ideas?  Please DO share!

Dog therapy

April 19, 2007 By: almostgotit Category: dogs, humor, jobless, writing 8 Comments →

“Looks like he’s got more’n a little pit bull in ‘im!”  

The tattooed guy leaning out of his pick-up to admire my dog surely meant well.  Not that I actually saw his tattoo, but I know he had one.  The problem was, he was talking about my dog, and see: I would never own a pit bull!

My friends told me to get a dog.  It had been a hard year, and I’d never felt more alone in my life.  It seems I wasn’t alone in this feeling, though, as several of my friends had also been similarly abandoned in various ways (by husbands for instance, or employers, or a little of both.)  “Get a dog,”  they advised. “It will love you unconditionally, and help plug the holes.” 

I was a little skeptical.

I grew up with dogs.  (And cats.  And birds.  Also nice little rodents, chickens, ducks, and a very large goose.  A one-winged seagull, for a while.  We were one of the weirder families in our subdivision….)

In my house now, we have two cats already, and the nice thing about them is they come already basically trained.   But I knew that dogs had to be housebroken, and trained to sit, and that you can’t just leave them alone for a couple of days with a dish of food and a litter box.  Also,  you  never quite know what you’re getting with a dog.  I knew that, too.  Once upon a time, many years ago, we had Steve.  Steve was a pound puppy and there was something wrong with him (besides his name, I mean).  I swear we didn’t beat him or anything, but he started biting people.  I’m sure it didn’t help that we had one neighbor who teased him with a stick, and another who once tried to shoot him when he got out of our fence (YES.  WE’VE MOVED.)  We had small kids though, so Steve couldn’t stay.  That broke my heart, and shook my confidence as well.  So no more dogs.

But last fall we got Jerry (so named by family committee, which should say a lot about committees in general).  I thought about getting a real dog this time, from a breeder, but was unable to resist my own inbred preference for lost-cause animals.  I told the humane society folks that I wanted a medium-sized, mellow dog.  We discussed getting an adult dog, but I was worried about dealing with an unknown history.  Besides, our kids wanted a puppy, and there was this wriggling little pile of “boxer-mix” pups that were too hard to resist.  Thence came Jerry.

He’s already past the “medium-sized” category, and still growing.  He jumps on people. He jumps on everything.  He eats everything, too, including the kitchen floor.  He’s hard to walk on a leash, even with a prong collar.  We’ve consulted with dog trainers.  We’ve tried the “gentle leader” collar that people swear by.  We’ve tried saying “no” (doesn’t work) kneeing him in the chest (doesn’t work) and ignoring him (doesn’t work either).   The dog trainer smiles weakly and tells us she’s sure he’ll get better when he’s older.  The vet just laughs. 

He’s a boxer mix, though.  That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.