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Archive for the ‘jokes’

How to (almost) thrive in these bad times

October 15, 2008 By: almostgotit Category: Uncategorized, humor, jokes, friendship, economy, saving money, budgeting, stockmarket crash, money 6 Comments →

‘I’m thinking of leaving my husband,’ complained the broker’s wife. ‘All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be.’

Were you one of the lucky ones who bought stocks last Friday?  If so, maybe you can tell the rest of us what being solvent again is actually like.

We can take comfort, however.  Several of my favorite bloggy friends have been pointing out the benefits to be had in an economic downturn. 

•  Working Girl  recently got ten meals out of a four-pound chicken.

Holy Poultry, Batman! 

She also mentioned an article in the NY Times outlining the many health benefits of a recession:  people tend to eat less fast food and more home-cooked meals, get more exercise, spend more time with their families, and have far less heart disease.

•  The Career Encourager pointed out an article in Newsweek about the opportunities the U.S. now has to correct some bad economic habits .  She also recommends  Your Money or Your Life,  a book that she says

steers clear of the “frugality” mindset (which unfortunately comes across as cheap and stingy all too often) and instead presented a philosophy of “enoughness” as a saner practice for individuals, communities and nations.   It’s a recipe for living a sound, peaceful life based on a strong foundation. 

•  Finally, it’s Korrektiv to the rescue, proving definitively that the best investment advice of all is to drink heavily and recycle.

18848894_400×400.jpg

My delightfully irreverent friend at Punk Rock HR , however,  takes issue with Jeffrey Strain’s article, Ten (more) Reasons You’re Not Rich.  To paraphrase:

It’s because we have no money, stupid!

While I agree with Laurie’s punky assessment that lower- and middle- class paychecks are demonstrably losing their buying power, I also must agree with Strain.   While many of us are indeed losing financial ground,  most of us are also failing to maximize what we’ve got. 

We’ve all read about the minimum -wage -janitor -who -dies -leaving -millions -of -dollars -under -his -mattress.  It can be done. 

It’s just that, for the most part, no one wants to do it.

I’m still amazed to think what my husband and I lived on in an expensive big city while he was in grad school.    We had mice everywhere, and cockroaches everywhere we didn’t have mice.  There was no floor in our bathroom, and no wall in part of our kitchen.  We couldn’t afford fresh vegetables, or a television, or furniture, or even subway fare (we’d walk for miles, instead.)  But we had “enough.”  We also had some terrific friends with whom to share our homemade “Moosewood Cookbook” food, including one who lent us a shockingly-pink couch. My husband finally built us a bed, too.

Mostly on account of the cockroaches.

I will treasure those years forever.

Had I known, then, what we’d be living on in 2008,  while *still* struggling to pay all our bills, I’d have been appalled. 

Why then aren’t the Almostgotits ”rich?”  Because we eat out now.   We still only have one car, but we often drive it instead of taking a bus or walking, now.  We buy airplane tickets so we can visit our parents sometimes.  We eat salads.  And desserts!  We now use a credit card.  We no longer buy all our clothes at thrift stores.  We buy wine, and good coffee.  We even own our own couch — two of them, in fact. 

We are definitely fatter, too.


Image

And are we substantially better off for all the money we spend now?  Not really.  We’ve simply upgraded our definition of “enough” so that it now requires five or six times as much money as it once did to pay for it.

Almostgotit says: drink heavily, and recycle.  But do it with good friends around you, and you might end up even richer than you were before.   

What says you?

—-

Humor for the Newly-Bankrupt:

More stock market jokes

Craig Ferguson and Tim Meadows on the Economy Meltdown 

Free Government Publication: 66 ways to save money (this one is NOT a joke)

Rejection, lawn chairs & insomnia (Happy Monday!)

August 04, 2008 By: almostgotit Category: Uncategorized, humor, jokes, rejection, rejection sensitivity, friends 7 Comments →

A friend of mine let me blog for a whole entire week on the subject of rejection before admitting to me that his psych lab research at Berkeley was on the topic of “rejection sensitivity.” 

There followed a rather intense exchange of emails in which I obnoxiously tried to debunk everything he said.  That’s me, an obnoxious debunker.  So no wonder, maybe, he never told me what he’d been doing for two whole years of his life?

On the bright side, he also sent me two very good jokes.  I hope he won’t mind if I pass them on:

Q. What’s Irish and stays out all night? 

A. Patio Furniture.

——-

Q. What do insomniac, dyslexic agnostics do all night? 

A. They stay awake wondering if there is a Dog.

Rejection Letter Hall of Fame

July 30, 2008 By: almostgotit Category: Uncategorized, humor, jokes, rejection letters, rejection, art 1 Comment →

The picture above was inspired by my friend David, who suggested the words and said “it’s all about the psychological FRAME you choose.”

The letters and stories keep pouring in, so be sure to come back on Friday when I’ll try to have a complete list, including the Worst Rejection Letter Ever (Really. It’s so delicious I want to eat it.)

Also, I need to disclose that I’ve been scooped. The Rejection Collection is a treasure house of rejection letters, rejection letter poetry, plus pages and pages of rip-roaring rants.

Rejected Again? Don’t despair. Join your fellow writers and artists to laugh in the face of rejection. It may not make you feel any better, but it’s better than banging your head against the wall.

I laughed. I cried. I discovered I may be suffering from a hitherto unknown malady called “Extreme Un-Published Syndrome” (Eups!)

Jack Handey published a wonderful series of funny Rejection letters a few years back in The New Yorker. They’re no longer viewable on TNY’s website, but I’ve linked to a copy on Does it Echo. I particularly liked this one:

Dear Sir:
If it is any consolation, we feel that if we had hired you, by now we would have been forced to let you go.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department

At the bottom of Handey’s list is a very funny reverse-rejection letter, versions of which have been ubiquitous on the internet ever since.

Coming tomorrow:  Of course you should take rejection personally!

Friday Favorites: Despair, Inc.

March 14, 2008 By: almostgotit Category: Uncategorized, humor, videos, jokes, Management, motivational 8 Comments →

I like good quotes as much as the next person. Really.

So when my sister sent around this “great quotes from great leaders” video from Simpletruths.com, I watched it happily enough. It’s only three minutes long, and it does have some really good quotes. It also has some really sweet piano music.

All that’s missing are the smiling receptionists, the strong scent of chemicals, and the dentist drills whining in the background.

“The Beautiful Gift Book” from SimpleTruths.com, which contains all these quotes and many MORE, costs $19.95. Plus you get a free DVD.

Motivational quotes and sayings — particularly the ones made into the glossy, black-framed motivational posters that line the walls of our schools and work places, are a multi-million dollar industry. Or so I’m told by Despair, Inc., whose mission is to Fight Back.

Deeply concerned that “while promising to stimulate “Hope”, “Success” and “Teamwork”, instead these tools of coercion and intimidation have inspired only grief, anger and nausea,” Despair, Inc. seeks to redress these irrationally exuberant products with some profiteering, er, amelioration of their own.

At Despair.com, one can purchase high-quality DEmotivational posters, despairwear, pessimist mugs, and other thoughtful corporate gifts. Featured prominently is bestselling book,The Art of Demotivation, praised by Financial Times Management Columnist Lucy Kellaway as “the most daring, funny and subversive management book ever written”. There are also several downloadable management training podcasts on the site too which shouldn’t be missed.

Hint: if you like/understand “The Office,” either in its American or British versions, you will like these, too.

In fact, the webmaster recommends that if your life is desperately without purpose or hope, you ought to make Despair.com into your homepage.

————-
Related Posts:

Sweet Sorrow Sourdough Chocolate Cake
Attainable Affirmations for the almost-employed
Humor is no jobstacle

At least *Huckabee* got the joke

February 25, 2008 By: almostgotit Category: writing, humor, jokes 4 Comments →

Humor and intelligence: one of our newspaper’s AP syndicaters seems to lack both. (I’m referring to the the source of those brief celebrity bits that our local paper always has on page two.. once they had Tony Blair married to Queen Elizabeth, attending an event with their son Prince Phillip. I’ve clipped & saved that “totally dumb Americans” column for all eternity….)

Anyway, they had one today about Mike Huckabee’s Saturday Night Live appearance over the weekend. The paper was crowing about how ironically clueless he is… he was on the “Weekend Update” segment (the skit where they all play news achors) and Huckabee announced he was staying in the prez race but wouldn’t overstay his welcome if the time came to leave. And then the skit moved on but Huckabee wouldn’t get off the stage, despite “repeated cues” from other cast members.

Um… hello? That’s called COMEDY, people???

Harry Potter and the Mysterious Ticking Noise

August 12, 2007 By: almostgotit Category: humor, jokes No Comments →

Now this one is just kooky: The Potter Puppets & the Mysterious Ticking Sound.
(this is the original: there are lots of almost-equally funny imitations now posted on YouTube!)

Um, anyone care to make a marketing or job-hunting analogy out of this one? :)

Cannibals

July 08, 2007 By: almostgotit Category: humor, feminism, jokes, exploitation 4 Comments →


Photo by by mrlerone (Creative Commons)

Okay, I’ve got one:

Recently, a large university hired several cannibals in an effort to increase its diversity.

“You are all part of our team now,” the Human Resources officer gushed during their orientation briefing. “You get full benefits, including a meal card, and you are welcome to go to any of the campus cafeterias for something to eat: but please don’t eat any employees.”

The cannibals solemnly promised they would not.

Four weeks later, the dean called all the cannibals into his office.

“You’re all working very hard and are doing a tremendous job. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole university’s performance. However, um… one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?” The cannibals all shook their heads, “No.”

After they left the dean’s office, the leader of the cannibals turned  to the others. “Okay — which one of you idiots ate the secretary?”

A hand rose, hesitantly.

“You fool!” the leader bellowed.  “For four weeks we’ve been eating administrators, even the odd faculty member or two, and no one noticed a damned thing.  Wasn’t that good enough for you?

But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something around here!”

Book tour cancelled: Taking my Damitol instead

June 08, 2007 By: almostgotit Category: blogging, books, writing, humor, feminism, Paris Hilton, jokes, anger 1 Comment →

Bloggers.  Can’t live with them, can’t shoot them.  (Warning: grumpy post)

If a blog isn’t about the latest browser plug-in, it’s about Paris Hilton (did you know they just let her out of jail?  Something medical, apparently.)  If a blog’s not about either of these things, it’s about someone’s damn book tour.

Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to be going on a book tour.  But if that time ever comes in my life, would someone please remind me not to be so breezily “as-if” about it, e.g.,  as if everyone else reading my blog is either a fellow book-tour-er or else a no-life, craven fan?  How about a little humility and gratitude?  I mean, allowing for the fact that blogging is already such an exhibitionist and self-indulgent exercise.

Here’s what we need:

New Medications for Women, Bloggers, Women Bloggers, and Paris Hilton

The Food and Drug Administration has just announced the following drugs have been released for trial in the US. These new medications are available only by prescription.

  • D A M I T O L
    Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
  • ST. M O M ‘ S W O R T
    Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
  • E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
    Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
  • P E P T O B I M B O
    Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
  • D U M E R O L
    When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
  • F L I P I T O R
    Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
  • M E N I C I L L I N
    Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person … can we get naked now?”
  • B U Y A G R A
    Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
  • Extra Strength B U Y-O N E-A L
    When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
  • J A C K A S S P I R I N
    Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
  • A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A
    spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
  • S E X C E D R I N
    More effective than Excedrin in treating the, “Not now, dear, I have a headache,” syndrome.
  • R A G A M E T
    When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

– Derived from something I saw posted on a coffee shop bulletin board this morning.  With my newfound determination to respect  copyrights, here’s a source but very much doubt it’s the original one — see also here and here)

Attainable affirmations for the (almost) employed

May 28, 2007 By: almostgotit Category: humor, jokes, anger, employment, confusion, jobless, affirmations 1 Comment →

These are just so exactly perfect.

  • As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
  • I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
  • I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.
  • I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
  • In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
  • Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
  • My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.
  • I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
  • I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
  • I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
  • As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
  • When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
  • The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second,to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
  • As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
  • All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
  • I am at one with my duality.
  • Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
  • Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
  • I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
  • I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
  • Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so!”
  • False hope is better than no hope at all.
  • A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
  • Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
  • Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute…. I’ll find someone.
  • Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
  • The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
  • I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
  • Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.
  • To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.
  • I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
  • Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he’s a mile away and barefoot.

Posted several places online, including here.  No attribution given.  Please let me know if you know the original source!

Copyright violation & blogging: a tricky subject

May 21, 2007 By: almostgotit Category: blogging, writing, videos, jokes, plagiarism 8 Comments →

I’ve long since learned that when my stomach hurts a certain way, I need to pay attention.  This was especially useful when it came to evaluating boyfriends in the old days (my wise old Yoda stomach always knew when it was time to dump them!)  

And now my stomach has hurt a couple of times in relation to this blog. 

Of greatest concern to my stomach have been a few things like intellectual property, copyright, fair use, and the intersection of these things and blogging.  I think most of us know that quotes should be properly attributed whenever possible.  And the documentation for Wordpress (my blogging host) basically okays the resyndication-by-linkage of YouTube videos (as Wordpress basically handles it by linking to the YouTube videos without actually hosting them)  In other words, if YouTube pulls them (as YouTube will, if complaint is lodged) the video will cease to function in a Wordpress blog, as well. 

There are also many things on the ‘net for which authorship can no longer be determined.  The resume bloopers I posted, for instance, were collected from a number of sites, all without attribution and all appearing on more than one site, as well, thus making it impossible even to identify the original online source.   

Jokes are even older than the internet, of course, and even harder to give sources for:  really, there are only three basic jokes in the world, I think, and all the rest are derived from these three!  (I must confess with some pride, however, that the Marilee Jones joke was almost entirely my own creation…)

Probably the real sticky problem is images, or pictures.  Photographers and artists own their intellectual and creative  property, and may even depend upon their work to make a living,  just as much as writers do.  Of course.  But many (most?) bloggers post other people’s photos and artwork, while very few (if any) of us are paying for them.

I think there are several ways to look at this problem.  “Fair Use” can be a tricky concept, but a great deal depends on whether one is financially profiting from someone else’s work, or using it for educational/instructive purposes, instead.   Blogging is commonly viewed as a kind of news reporting or commentary, and therefore would often seem to pass the 4-factor test for legal fair use

However.  While using properly-attributed images might seem analogous to including properly-attributed quotations, one rarely uses only part of an image.  Therefore, using someone else’s picture is probably more akin to using someone else’s entire poem.  And when is (or isn’t) this an okay thing to do? 

Another way of using images, which I’ve applied to some (non-profit) websites I’ve managed, is to make them into links to (and therefore, promotions of) the source site.  Is that legitimate?   (Then, of course, stealing bandwidth is  yet another issue, and few perps even know they’re doing it.  This is when you link directly to an image online, rather than downloading it first and then loading it to your own host.)

Because of the need to balance the surge of interest in the “open source” democratization of the internet with the need to protect the livelihoods and right of individual artists and authors, an increasing number of images are now made available through creative commons licensing, an alternative to full copyright protection with the goal of encouraging users to “Share, reuse, and remix — legally.”  

Anyhoo, for the sake of my stomach, I am going to go back through my posts and clean up a little. 

But I would also very much welcome further feedback and suggestions from my readers.   How does plagarism and copyright protection REALLY work in the blogosphere, and is it enough?  Is attribution enough?  Is it best to leave other’s work, especially images, out entirely?  (one can always LINK to them instead)

Please weigh in!  My stomach thanks you in advance.