Almostgotit.com

These are from actual resumes:

(from multiple sources: if you know original source, please comment!!)

“Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs.

“I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.”

“Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I’m a class act and do not come cheap.”

“I intentionally omitted my salary history. I’ve made money and lost money. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. I prefer being rich.”

“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”

“Number of dependents: 40.”

“Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.”

“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”

“Responsibility makes me nervous.”

“They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”

“[left my last job because I] was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.”

“I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”

“The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.”

“While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.”

“I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.”

“Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.”

“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

“I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.”

“Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.”

“Personal Interests:  Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.”

“Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.”

“Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”

“Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.”

“I’m a rabid typist.”

“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.”

 ((When one might consider hiring a service..))

Sometimes when you ask for poetry, you get poetry.   But a lot of people are very bad at following directions.  I find this a great relief, actually:  It’s good to know I’m not alone!

From Gina (before getting to know this woman, one ought to invest in a super-sized package of Depends..) (& that’s probably a joke that only a mother would understand…)

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhcA4Ry65FU]

From my dearest Susie:

If you’ve read the Give a Mouse a Cookie series, you will think  this is familiar…

IF YOU GIVE A MOM A MUFFIN
If you give a Mom a muffin,
She’ll want a strong cup of coffee to go with it.
She’ll make herself some.
Her three year old will spill the coffee.
She’ll wipe it up.
Wiping the floor, she’ll find dirty socks.
She’ll remember she has to do laundry.
When she puts the laundry in the washer, she’ll trip
over boots and
bump
into the box of Goodwill items.
Bumping into the Goodwill items will remind her she
has to get these
boxes
in the car and out of her basement.
When she puts the boxes in the car, she’ll find a bag
of groceries and
this
will remind her she has to cook dinner.
She will get out the chicken defrosting in the fridge.
She’ll look for her cookbook (101 Things To Do With
Chicken).
The cookbook will be sitting under a pile of mail.
She will see the Netflix movie she’s meant to mail and
the preschool
bill,
which is due tomorrow.
She will look for her checkbook.
The checkbook will be in her purse that is being
dumped out by her one
year
old.
She’ll smell something funny.
She’ll change the baby’s diaper.

As she finishes up, she’ll realize she brought the
hand sanitizer down
to
the kitchen.
While she is throwing away the diaper and searching
for the hand
sanitizer,
the phone will ring.
Her three year old will answer and hang up.
She’ll remember she wants to phone a friend not for
coffee but a very
strong drink.
Thinking of drinking will remind her that she was
going to have a
cup of coffee in order to stay awake for the rest of
the day.
And chances are…

If she finds her cup of coffee (which she has to
reheat by now),

Her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it.

From Mindy, a woman always full of surprises:

So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died.  Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him.  He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well, we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old.  The middle one is Eli.  Eli really loves chapstick.  LOVES IT.  He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it.  So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother’s Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on.  My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box.  I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up.  Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli.  I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom.  And there was Eli.  He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack’s . . . rear end.  Eli looked right into my eyes and said “chapped.”  Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right–their little butts do look pretty chapped.

And, frankly, Jack didn’t seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether  it was  the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat’s behind or the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother’s Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they’ve been using your chapstick on the cat’s butt.

This one’s for my really smart friends, with & without degrees

An educational institution advertised for a “Young Harvard graduate or the equivalent.” Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale graduate who inquired, “By equivalent do you mean two Princeton grads or a Yale grad part time?
*************************************************
When Marilee Jones saw the same ad, her question was: “By equivalent do you mean four young Princeton grads, two Yale grads, or someone who can actually do the job?”

Dear Mr. HR Guy,

Thank you for your letter of April 17th.   This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of highly-qualified rejection letters.  With such a competitive field of candidates, it is simply impossible for me to accept all refusals, however.

Therefore, after careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your fine establishment.

Despite your company’s excellent qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following my dental appointment next Thursday. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
Finally Got It

Got any other ideas?  Please DO share!

What’s an unemployed person’s favourite book?
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Hire

What’s an unemployed person’s other favourite book?
Jobless Of The D’Urbervilles

What’s an unemployed person’s favourite song?
Light My Hire

What’s an unemployed person’s favourite film?
The Adventures of Jobin Hood

Where does an unemployed person go on holiday?
Hireland          .              .               .        (cough, hack, cough)

Had enough or want some more?  Make them yourself at The Bad Joke Generator